


Carol of the Hells Bells

by CrevanFox, LaterTuesday



Category: Dresden Files - All Media Types
Genre: Christmas, Crack, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-12-03
Updated: 2009-12-03
Packaged: 2017-10-04 03:35:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,390
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25504
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CrevanFox/pseuds/CrevanFox, https://archiveofourown.org/users/LaterTuesday/pseuds/LaterTuesday
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Harry meets Santa, a classic gets butchered, and there is reindeer poo everywhere.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Carol of the Hells Bells

**Author's Note:**

> Authors Notes: title is from one of my favourite carols 'Carol of the Bells
> 
> T'was the night before Christmas belongs to Clement Clarke Moore.
> 
> Harry Dresden, his pets, and the Carpenter clan all belong to Jim Butcher.
> 
> I'm just playing in other peoples intellectual sandboxes. I own nothing, I make no profit, blaa blaa blaa blaa.....
> 
> Takes place at some point after Proven Guilty, but no real spoilers.
> 
> No kittens were harmed in the making of this fic.
> 
> Your fond memories of Santa may be disturbed after reading this fic.
> 
>  
> 
> Originally posted to Christmas_fic on dreamwidth

_T'was the night before Christmas  
and all through the house  
not a creature was stiring,  
not even my dog Mouse_

_When outside my steel reinforced door  
there arose such a pounding, (not unlike a clatter)  
I sprang from my bed  
to see what's the matter_

_But slipped when I stepped on Mister's tail  
my spinning windmill arms did fail  
I landed face first upon the ground  
while the pounding upon my door still sound_

_I made my way to my door the front  
and wrenched it open to yell at the nut  
who'd make so much noise at a quarter past 3  
when what did my startled wizard eyes see?_   


 

"Hells Bells"

My head barely came to his belt. It had a gleaming gold buckle and it was stretched over a massive, red coated belly.

My eyes travelled up, past shiny black buttons, a truly wild looking white beard, up to his jolly face. Minus the jolly. In fact Old Saint Nick was currently giving me the stink eye.

"Um, hello, Sir."

His electric blue eyes were impossible to avoid.

"Is this yours?" he rumbled.

I couldn't see what he meant for a minute because he was so big he took up my entire stairwell. He half turned and behind him on the driveway a red sack tossed and twisted on the ground next to the Blue Beetle. The bag was cinched tight and someone inside was rolling and fighting, with the occassional grunt, but it was clear they weren't getting out on their own. After a half minute of deciding if St Nick was more likely to get pissy for me walking past, or me not answering I skulked past him (barely) and undid the drawstring.

Molly's gagged and flushed head popped out of the hole, her hair flying wildly from the static she'd gotten in the sack.

"Mmmm mmm mmmmm!"

"What?"

"Mmm m-"

"Oh right!" I pulled the gag from her mouth. Hey, give me a break it was the middle of the fricking night and I had just been waken up by an angry Wild Fae, best known as Santa Claus. I'd known he was real, and kind of scary, but I'd never in a million years thought I'd have him glaring down on me like I owed him something.

Mostly because I, and the people I ran with, were all far too smart, and possibly too cowardly, to summon Father Christmas. Or so I'd thought until my apprentice stuck her head out of Santa's sack.

"Harry! you gotta help me, I didn't think he was real and -"

"ShhHHH!" I tried to shush her, but he'd heard.

"You dare question MY existence!" He thundered as he strode over, thick black boots the size of dustbin lids pounding a trail through the snow. "I who am worshipped by millions! Feared by the naughty! I who have travelled the known worlds and places you can not fathom, little mortal, and you dare not believe in Santa Claus!"

Molly made a sound somewhere between a meep and a groan as Kris Kringle yelled at her.

I got in between the 2 of them (because despite all the different kinds of pain in the butt Molly is, you just don't stand by while a young girl gets threatened by a man two, or a dozen times her size).

"Listen, uh, Mr. Claus, Sir" (you sir a guy when his one hand could literally crush your skull) "I'm sure she never intended to summon you, she's very young and probably didn't mean to do it, you know how kids are nowadays" I figured if anyone knew how kids could be, it'd be Santa.

I also found myself talking a little too fast. I was not one of those people who gets excited around celebrities but come on. I mean this was Santa. SANTA. I might not have had the Disney Family Christmas, but even orphans know about Santa.

On the other hand, Santa kind of looked like he was about to stuff Molly and me both with coal. Hot coal. I'm pretty sure we wouldn't enjoy it. Or, you know, survive.

"You think a wizard has power enough too summon me?! This one and her kinsman came through to my home in the Land of Perpetual Snow, by way of the Land of Fae."

"Molly!?" I snapped at her "You crossed into the Nevernever? What have I told-"

"She did more than breach the wall between worlds, Wizard,"Santa interrupted my tirade, which I thought was a little rude. "She and her kinsman startle my herd. When I came forth from my home to see what had caused their displeasure they..." here Santa's voice dropped away and he mumbled something about 'hose' and 'rippings'.

"I'm sorry what was that last part?" I asked him.

He glared at me. Finally he said, "The reindeer got in my house, and left" he stopped to clear his throat, "droppings."

Must not laugh, must not laugh. I chanted it in my head while the muscles in my face held a mutiny and highjacked the corner of my mouth.

I smirked.

A look from Santa and that quickly stopped.

"So, Molly..."I looked away from Santa and hoped he stopped glaring "What were you doing in the Nevernever?!"

"It was all Matthew's fault! He kept telling Harry that Santa didn't - well, what I said before." Molly jerked her head at St. Nick who was currently looming over both of us. "So I figured I'd just pop over to the Nevernever, show him something Christmasy and then he'd still believe. It was only going to take a second, and I had us both veiled....."

"Are you telling me you took your little brother to the Nevernever! Molly!"

"It was only for a second!"

"Is he still there? Did you leave him!"

"No! I wouldn't have left him alone - I got him back home before Santa dropped the sack on me"

"Are you sure he made it home?" I asked, ready to hop into action and save another one of Micheal's kids (he owed me a plaque at this point, possible some turkey).

"Excuse me" rumbled Santa Claus "Can we talk about my problems?, and on tonight of all nights!"

"Well, if she wrecked your house, I say let her clean it up."

"Harry!" Molly cried.

"She is bound to you, Wizard, in your service. Her punishment is yours as well."

"Molly" I said through gritted teeth, "you are so on my naughty list". I started to loosen the bag she was trapped in.

"I demand reparations, Wizard. You will return with me to my home, immediately."

That was so not how I wanted to spend my Christmas, scooping up reindeer poo. I didn't even clean my own house- That was it.

"Hold on a second there, Kringle. What if I had someone else in my service clean up for me?"

Santa sighed. He suddenly looked very tired.

"What have you in mind, Wizard?" he asked with resignation.

"Well, I could have one of my guard, you may have heard of them, the Za Lord's army, well, I'm sure they would be more than thrilled to clean up for me."

Santa raised a giant hand to rub at his eyes. "I want my house cleaned before dawn Wizard, I no longer care who does it. See that it is done and I will forget this ever happened"

 

I finally had Molly out of the sack, which I handed back to Santa.

"Can you believe we met Santa?" Molly said with a sparkle in her eyes. I grunted. For her sake there had better be a pizza place open this late on Christmas night, or we'd both be getting it.

I really do hate the holidays.

 

_  
He gave me a glare,  
and some baggies for cleaning  
he gave me a look  
and I got the meaning_

 

_And raising his finger  
third from the left,  
he flipped me the bird,  
as he turned and left!_

 

_He sprang to his sleigh,  
to his team gave a whistle,  
And away they all flew  
like a shot from a pistol._

 

_But I heard him exclaim,  
'ere he drove out of sight,  
"Dresden, If we meet again  
I'll put an end to your life"_

 

Merry Christmas to all, but don't sleep too tight! Santa's coming.....


End file.
